More Than A Preference: I Am Polyam
You Know What Grinds My Gears: About Polyamory
People love to call polyamory a “phase.”
They assume it’s something you grow out of once you “find the right one.”
They think it’s a preference for casual dating, a refusal to commit, or a fun lifestyle until you get serious.
For me, it was never a phase.
It was the first time I felt like myself.
How I Found the Term
I’ve always been curious about sex, relationships, and the many ways people build intimacy. I read so many books and watched so many shows about love and sexuality. I knew polyamorous relationships existed, but I always thought polyamory was the same thing as polygamy. It felt rigid and distant from anything I desired.
That changed when I was traveling and met a man who proudly described himself as Solo Polyam. When he explained what that meant, it felt like he had just described my entire relationship history back to me. There was language for what I had always felt.
After that, I dove in. I started researching, attending discussions, joining online groups, and showing up at events for polyam community members. Each conversation, each book, each reflection affirmed the truth I had been living without knowing what to call it. Eventually, I declared it for myself. This is me.
Why It’s Not a Preference for Me
Monogamy never felt unnatural for me.
It just never felt fulfilling.
I never liked the idea of settling for less to appease a partner or soothe their insecurities. I’ve always wanted to love people fully and truthfully, without having to lie about who I am or what I want. That’s why I chose to remain single for over 12 years. I wanted space to enjoy and explore multiple relationships of varying degrees of commitment and consistency without hurting anyone.
For me, polyamory isn’t about rebellion or avoidance. It’s about alignment with who I’ve always been.
How I Knew
Here are some of the signs:
I rarely felt jealousy. Not never, but rarely.
When I tried monogamous relationships, it felt like I had to give up too many things I desired to be content and feel loved.
I’ve always been able to love multiple people deeply without feeling like any love was being taken away from another.
My desire to be in multiple relationships wasn’t about sex, novelty, or rebellion. It was about connection, truth, and community.
Even when I tried to settle down, it felt like I was betraying myself.
Why This Matters
When people treat polyamory as a phase, they erase those of us for whom it is an orientation, not a choice. When people treat it as a loophole for honesty, they harm those of us who see it as sacred.
This series isn’t about proving that polyamory is better or more enlightened. It’s about demanding clarity and accountability. Because without it, people get hurt. Communities get harmed. And polyam people keep having to clean up the mess left by those who use the word irresponsibly.
I found out I am polyam because every other relationship model felt too small for the way my love shows up.
I have so much love to share, and I want to receive all the love this life has to offer. Limiting love never felt like a good idea or anything I wanted to do. I LOVE love. I move with love. I am love. Why would I ever want to limit that?
Capt. Chaos